dating

Zoe Foster-Blake: "How to know if you’re with The Right Person."

The following extract is from Zoe Foster Blake’s book, LOVE!

‘How’s things with you and Joe?’

‘Oh, who the f*ck knows? Honestly, it’s like he’s allergic to texting. Unless he’s drunk, of course. Then it’s like diarrhoea. He texted me five times Sunday night, but then when I text him on Tuesday, he doesn’t write back ’til Friday. Is that weird?’

‘Hmmm.’

‘He keeps saying he wants me to meet his mum, but then doesn’t act on it. And I KNOW he has dinner with her every Monday. It’s like he’s baiting me, you know?’

‘Mmhmm.’

‘Plus, did I tell you he got a puppy? A sausage dog, like he and I had talked about getting. And he gets it himself. For him. I can’t tell if that’s a good sign or a fuck-you sign.’

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‘How’s things with you and Joe?’

‘Yeah, really good! He’s the best.’

‘That’s so great to hear.’

‘Yep. ’k bye!’

‘Bye!’

When you are with The Right Person, the need for constant analysis and calculating and predicting and wondering is negated; the cyclical questions and conjecture and conversation that usually accompany a new lover become obsolete. They are just… easy. Life is easy. Your time together is easy. Things feel right, because you are at peace. Finally, the incessant cacophony of gut and head and past and future ends, and all that is left is a big smile and calm and lots of adorable handholding and visiting Instagrammable cafes for hotcakes.

Watch: Hamish Blake and Zoe Foster-Blake share their secrets to a happy marriage. Post continues.

Video by Nine Network

BUT! The problem is until you’ve had this (and most of us will only have this once, because you will generally settle down with this human, or make babies with them, or buy a home with them, or travel the world playing the tambourine with them) you don’t even know how wonderful and right it feels, and so you just keep doing what you usually do, which is dissect every man or woman who isn’t The Right One into a million pieces, just like that poor, shrivelled-up frog cadaver in Year 8 science class.

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I have no idea why we do this. None whatsoever. I was spectacularly good at it in my early twenties, wasting hours and whole weekends ruminating over men with whom very little was happening. And what a terrible friend it made me!

I was the equivalent of a conversational vampire, sucking up all the talk on every social outing and wasting it on men who weren’t even texting me, let alone whisking me off to a popular wine region for the weekend in a rose-petal-filled helicopter.

And that’s what really grinds my gears, the fact that the rubbish people we date (or, less histrionically: ‘people who are just not that into us’) thieve so much of our thoughts and words and time when they have done ZERO TO EARN SUCH VALUABLE THINGS.

What we should do is reserve that kind of energy and chatter for people who are wonderful, and make us giddy with glee, but ironically, when we finally find one of those people, we just go all quiet and sit there with a gooey, gorgeous grin on our mug and let Kristy take the floor with her latest tale about Brett with the horrible shoes and satanic flatmate.

Want to know how Zoe Foster Blake does it? We asked her on I Don’t Know How She Does It…

Historically women are much more drawn to drama than bliss, which is why movies, TV shows and novels tend to focus more on infidelity and sabotage than meditation and contented bushwalks.

I am arrogant/psychic enough to know there are a few of you sitting there, reading this and eating your dinner lamington with wide eyes and a slack jaw, thinking to yourself, ‘Man, these are delicious! Why don’t I eat these more often?’ Also: ‘I DO THIS! I am the girl who thinks and talks incessantly about a person who, when I look at the situation with brutal truth eyes, is not the Right Person for me!. . . Well they can’t be, because I am pretty sure the Right Person would be texting me, and asking when they can next see me, and not forgetting to follow through on dinner Saturday night when they say they’re going to take me to dinner Saturday night, and not banter flirtatiously with other women on Instagram, because they are trying to impress ME, and court ME, and woo ME!’

And you would be correct to think that. So think it! Definitely think this stuff when a guy or girl starts driving you a little bit mad, and remind your friends of the same thing. It could save you a lot of bullshit and heartache, and put you in a much better state of mind to meet a good person, but y’know, just in general, too.

Remember: a good person does not cause you brain strain, or bring on bouts of Excessive Phone Checking, or push you and your friends into two hours of analysis regarding whether the lack of ‘x’ at the end of his text is because he’s gone off you, or because he was in a hurry to surf.

A good person makes you smile, and feel good about yourself, and them, and your relationship. You get on with your life in a happy flow, getting your drama and over-analysis from reality TV instead of reality. Sounds dull; is actually wonderful.

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Zoe Foster-Blake’s LOVE!, An Enthusiastic and Modern Perspective on Matters of the Heart, is out now.

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